Why I hate Lashon hara, Evil speech.

[ambitious_wench]

In February of 1979 my friend Jean asked me to give her a ride to the airport. I has coming down with the flu, but on that day I took her, her boyfriend, and her son to the Monterey airport so that she could fly to San Fransisco to visit some man for the weekend.

On the way back, I was to drop her boyfriend off at his apartment, then take her son back to her apartment to the baby sitter who was waiting there for him. The boy was 8.

The man asked if I was ok, did I want to come up for something to drink. He turned on cartoons for the boy, and handed me a beer. I was 18 at the time. I drank it becasue it was all he had, and because it was cold and wet and seemed to quench my thirst. I was running a fever.

I am not sure if it was spiked or not. I passed out on his bed, and came to later. What made me come to was the fact that I needed to vomit, and that I was being raped.

I begged to be released to go to the bathroom. He took me there, held my head as I threw up, and then raped me on the bathroom floor.

This went on for about 4 hours. I was raped vaginaly and analy. Interspersed was bouts of vomiting, diarhea, and the shakes. It didn't matter to him. He showered me at the end of it when he was done. He told the boy that we were busy when the child asked for food.

I was afraid he would hurt the boy if I tried to stop it. I was also too sick to drive.

I finaly made it back to Jean's apartment about 9 pm, 6 hours after I was supposed to be there. Brenda the babysitter asked what was wrong, I said that I was sick, and had fallen asleep on the man's bed. I was too ashamed to say what happened.

I went home, vomited again and went to bed. Within the hour Jean called me, yelling about me fucking her boyfriend while her son went hungry in the next room. I was flaberghasted. I tried to tell her what happened. She didn't believe me. I had seduced her boyfriend, and I was a slut and a child abuser.

I hung up at that point, too sick to deal with it.

I was sick for about a week.

Once I was back on my feet, I got a call from Lisa--Brenda was babysitting again, could I pick her up and we could go keep her company. I was hesitant. "Jean is in San Fransisco again, don't worry."

When we got there, Jean beat me with her fists about my face and belly while Brenda and Lisa held me.

The man had told Jean that I had come on to him. She believed him. She told my friends Brenda and Lisa, and they believed her. No one asked me what happened.

I was brutalized twice, and had my friendship destroyed by evil speech. I will not tolerate evil speech about others in front of me. I will not participate in evil speech. I will call it when I see it.

Jean and her boyfriend were not close friends. But Brenda and Lisa were my two best friends at the time. Lisa was the first woman I ever had a crush on.

Comments

[texas-tiger.livejournal.com]

*silent*

[remus-shepherd.livejournal.com]

'Lashon Hara' = 'Evil Speech'? Okay. I don't understand what speech has to do with this...you were assaulted by sick, twisted people and you should have gone to the cops. I understand why you didn't, but still.

(hug)

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

I didn't go to the cops because it was 1979, when they still questioned the plaintiff about her sexual history, when they would intimate that I had consented because I went into his apartment, accepted a beer from him, and then lay down on his bed when I started to pass out. Things were way different back then, Remus.

The evil speech part is the story told to my "friends" Lisa and Brenda. They never asked me my side of the story.

They listened to evil speech. They believed a tale made of partial truth and outright lies. And they judged me without even hearing my side.

The man is the worst offender in this. He was a rapist and child abuser. Jean I can believe was duped by the man, and acted out of protective impulse for her son. She was lsahing out at the wrong person, though. But Brenda and Lisa bought into it hook line and sinker, without even questioning it.

This was over 20 years ago. And I am still shaking with anger at the betrayals.

Edie

[remus-shepherd.livejournal.com]

Yes, I understand why you didn't go to the authorities.

In my opinion you have every reason and right to be angry about this. This is a wrong never avenged. This kind of thing would drive some people mad. It's a credit to you that you didn't -- I knew you had incredible strength of character, hon, but I had no idea.

Be angry. Rage at the sky, curse a few minor gods, burn effigies of the people who wronged you. In my book anger's a positive emotion, as long as you don't let it consume you.

[silverblue.livejournal.com]

The statue of limitations has not expired for this crime, nor for the effective attempted murder that was acted out.

If you can manage it, make this post public. Write it up if you can do so, and take what power you can out of it by sending it to a newspaper. And tell them about evil speech.

Sorry, extremely angry about this - on your behalf. I know you don't need it, but I'm utterly furious that this could happen to anyone I care about.

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

It's now public. I didn't realize I had made it friends only.

As for the statute of limitations, it's been 24 years. And frankly, I've forgotten names. Lisa is the only one who's name I remember. "Brenda", I can't even remember her first name, and "Jean Simmons" is not the woman's real name. The man, I don't remember his name at all. I didn't want to assign even a made up name to that monster, he is undeserving of any touch of humanity, not even a name.

Also, too, I constantly have to question my own memory of the events. For example, I have a half memory of getting a call from Lisa. She babbled something about being sorry, she didn't know they would do that to me. But I also clearly remember her holding me. I have to wonder if that call was a fever dream.

The rest I KNOW happened to me. I remember being sore for several weeks, and when I left for the Navy a few days later, when I was examined, the doctor commented on the bruising. He didn't put it in my record though, because it would have disqualified me for joining. Any legal action pending would have kept me from going to boot camp. He questioned me, and let me make my own choice. I chose to go right into the Navy, rther than go through the hell of a trial.

And believe me, your anger on my behalf touches me deeply.
Thank you.

[lederhosen.livejournal.com]

Nothing I can say here that doesn't sound trite...

Sometimes I find it easier to cope with humanity by telling myself I'm dealing with a different species, just visiting this planet. Doesn't make them any less odious, but it makes it a little less personal.

*hugs*

[frou-frou.livejournal.com]

oh, god Edie, I feel so much for you and your story. Like others, I'm angry too, but agree that it was a different world back then.

I was raped in 1982-1983 and at the time, going to the police just didn't seem an option - the man even taunted me, saying that they would never believe me over his version. I confided in a couple of male friends though: one turned up at his house and threatened to break both his legs if he ever contacted me again (he didn't) and the other had a 'chat' with the guy's employer. I have no idea what was said, but not only did he lose his job but he never worked in that industry again.

I got a kind of vengeance years later too, by dobbing him in when police were looking for a serial killer: there were some similarities in the M.O. but I doubt it was really him (the crimes are still unsolved. I wasn't the only woman to suggest him as a possible suspect though). I also learnt that my experience with him was not unique.

anyway, this is not about my story. I just wanted to express empathy and wish you all the best: it's particularly disappointing that your friends didn't listen to your side of it and let you down so much. I like to think that at some point they realised the error of their ways, but by then I'm sure that you were long gone, hopefully finding more sympathetic and loyal friends.

Young women are very vulnerable to this sort of thing, but sometimes the hardest and most valuable lessons can be learnt from the worst events.

Nicky

[shadow-5tails.livejournal.com]

Oh, Edie.

I have spent the last week trying to think of what to say in response to this.  Like silverblue, I am overcome with rage every time I hear of something like this happening to someone I care about; like lederhosen, I can't find the words to do my sentiments justice without sounding trite or clichéd.

The world has changed a good deal in the last quarter-century, and at least in this area, most of the change has been for the better.  We still have such a long way to go, though...

I wasn't familiar with the term "Lashon hara" (what language is it again?), but I do know how destructive deception, deliberate or otherwise, can be.  I don't imagine any of us have avoided being harmed by evil speech at one point or another, and it is one of the few things I would like to see compeltely eliminated from the spectrum of human experience.

My kudos to you for your strength and your courage, for being able to write about this and deal with our reactions, even when they might add to your distress, for not letting it break you.  And my sympathy for the hurt you had to endure... *hug*

[shadow-5tails.livejournal.com]

I wasn't familiar with the term "Lashon hara" (what language is it again?)
Bad form though it may be to reply to one's own comment, I went and found the answers to this question.

If anyone else is interested, there's a very good site here.

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

Sweetheart,

Thanks for your kind words. And I should have provided more information on lashon hara. Thanks for providing the link. I've posted it again in my journal.

*hugs*
Edie