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ambitious_wenchPoker With Dick Cheney
Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick
Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.
The Editors: We'll take three cards.
Dick Cheney: Give me one.
Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand.
Non-commital noises, puffing of cigars.
TE: Fifty bucks.
DC: I'm in. Show 'em.
TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.
DC: Not good enough.
TE: What do you have?
DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.
TE: Can you show us your cards?
DC: Sure. One of them's a six.
TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.
Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence
that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this
satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips.
In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker
hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already
well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one
card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely
convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.
Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration
right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World
War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.
TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards,
or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't
think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot.
Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he
doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed
them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has
"nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because
the six of clubs is black?
Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts.
Developing ...
TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2
pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?
DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is
important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire
poker game will be destroyed.
TE: We aren't sure ...
DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.
Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his
pre-collection claims about beating two pair.
TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.
Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's
cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who
are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like
segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial
profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...
TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a
six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's
nothing.
Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation,
liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal
mathematics? That would explain a lot.
Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have
never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card
missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.
Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.
TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".
Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's
September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a
straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect
knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns
which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and
the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for
the post-9/11 world.
Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they
say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?
Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very
careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands
alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all
possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply
screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice
President so often do.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well
as racists? Developing ...
Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I
hate liberals and Democrats.
William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The
pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no
longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly
lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And
why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a
thousand times worse?
Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up
equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have
seen this.
Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of
conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical
homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear?
Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as
a "skip straight".
DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know
for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.
George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would
drink a beer with you.
Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.
DC: My deal.
Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick
Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.
The Editors: We'll take three cards.
Dick Cheney: Give me one.
Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand.
Non-commital noises, puffing of cigars.
TE: Fifty bucks.
DC: I'm in. Show 'em.
TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.
DC: Not good enough.
TE: What do you have?
DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.
TE: Can you show us your cards?
DC: Sure. One of them's a six.
TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.
Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence
that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this
satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips.
In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker
hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already
well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one
card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely
convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.
Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration
right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World
War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.
TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards,
or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't
think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot.
Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he
doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed
them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has
"nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because
the six of clubs is black?
Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts.
Developing ...
TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2
pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?
DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is
important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire
poker game will be destroyed.
TE: We aren't sure ...
DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.
Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his
pre-collection claims about beating two pair.
TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.
Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's
cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who
are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like
segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial
profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...
TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a
six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's
nothing.
Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation,
liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal
mathematics? That would explain a lot.
Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have
never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card
missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.
Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.
TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".
Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's
September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a
straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect
knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns
which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and
the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for
the post-9/11 world.
Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they
say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?
Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very
careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands
alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all
possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply
screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice
President so often do.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well
as racists? Developing ...
Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I
hate liberals and Democrats.
William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The
pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no
longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly
lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And
why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a
thousand times worse?
Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up
equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have
seen this.
Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of
conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical
homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear?
Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as
a "skip straight".
DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know
for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.
George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would
drink a beer with you.
Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.
DC: My deal.
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Date: 2004-07-21 10:32 am (UTC)poke who?
Date: 2004-07-21 08:59 pm (UTC)