I wish I could be funny

[ambitious_wench]

I wish I could be funny when I'm angry, or hurt, or irritated. But the problem is that I lose my sense of humor when I'm feeling those emotions. I envy the ability to let lose with a string of imaginative profanities and descriptive attacks.

Instead, I feel something snap, and words start tumbling out of my moUth, or from my fingertips, and I don't stop until I have nothing more to say.

I like Christmas. It reminds me of my Grandmother, who took such delight in making people happy. She taught me that giving is a privilege, that sometimes accepting a gift was as much a blessing to the giver as it is to the recipient.

I can hear her laughing with utter joy at our delight on Christmas morning.

I like the music. I like being able to sing the songs, and the memories they invoke of the happiest times in my life, of being part of the gestalt of a choir. Yeah, some of the stuff out there is crap. But when it is, I can ignore it, because I carry Handel's Messiah in my head. The good stuff, well, it's a reminder of the times I've sung that song with others.

I like the lights. All except the colored ones, those hold no allure for me. I wish I could put up lights along the eaves of my house, but lacking a tall enough ladder, I can't.

I like decorating the tree. I used to have parties to decorate my tree. Being alone, single, no family, I'd still have a wonderful time of it by inviting my friends over to help decorate. I'd make cookies, hot chocolate, mulled cider.

But I can't enjoy Christmas this year. Some serious issues have arisen with Techi's family, again. Besides which, Techi is another who dislikes Christmas on principle.

For the last 7 years, I've had only 3 Christmas trees. And all of them I've had to lug in and set up by myself, because Techi doesn't want an artificial one.

I've had to decorate them myself, too. She refuses to help. I miss the spirit of cooperation, of sharing a glass of wine when it's done. I have a tree, yes, but it's a testament to one person's selfish desire to maintain the status quo, rather than something done in joy together.

I like giving gifts. Emotional blackmail isn't something I am capable of with friends. It hurt when I saw an artist's easel set yesterday, and thought of someone who would appreciate it. But I was afraid that she would feel obligated to return the gift. And I know that no matter how much I protested that no return gift was expected, she would still feel that obligation. And so I left without it.

I wish I could hate christmas, join in gleefully as it's being skull-fucked on IRC. But I can't. I can't make jokes about taking hatchets to elves, or buggering reindeer, or roasting Santa alive over an open fire.

And so I sit with a rock in my intestines, wishing for something I never thought I would: That it would all be over soon, so I don't have to listen to the hatred.

That I hadn't taken part in singing this year because it just reminded me of how good this time of year can be, in spite of the fact that I am not a Christian, that it's commercialized, that it's tacky, that it's trite, that it's a fucking game of one-upmanship.

Season Grievous, everybody. Merry FUCKING Christmas.
Edie

Comments

well said

[teididh.livejournal.com]

as a fellow pagan who is also the only one in my household to truly enjoy Christmas and be willing to put effort into the trappings thereof : i'm completely with you on this one.

I love the lights, and the music, and the trees. I have no problem separating these things from their former religious connotations, nor do i dwell on the superficial commercialism and materialism that plagues so many of the less religious celebrants. It really would be easier to just be cynical and turn one's nose up at the whole mess.

While i'm not at all pleased that you, too are in this situation, it's good to hear that someone else feels the same.

Re: well said

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

Teididh,

Can I have your snail-mail address to send you a card next year?

Edie
We gots to stick together, us Pagans Who Love Christmas.

Re: well said

[teididh.livejournal.com]

oooo...only if i can have yours as well. I'd love to have somebody to send cards to!!!

Shoot me a private email

Holiday Sparkliness
coriolis

probably totally off topic

[the-fantum.livejournal.com]

Before commercialism ...way back in the sixties ...in Texas at least... the tree rarely went up before Christmas eve. But as the shopping days became counted and the merchandise mounted, it became sooner and sooner each December until the month was spelled November ... and now by the time I wade through all the crowds, and panic driven good cheer, I have no stomach for it all ...until the last minute ...and then someone else has normally done it for me :)

Re: probably totally off topic

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

(EDITED)

*smile* Be sure to kiss them for it under the mistletoe. And lemme have your snail-mail address for Christmas cards, next year, if you like. No pressure to send one back, either.

Edie

[yonmei.livejournal.com]

I haven't had a Christmas tree in years, in part because for me Christmas kind of began on the 23rd of December (the last day of school, unless by some chance it fell on a Saturday or a Sunday) and after dark (probably about 4:30) my brother and sister and I would be sent out to buy the Christmas tree. A real one. We'd carry it back, the three of us, and my dad would set it up in the sitting-room and put the star on top - he was the tallest member of the family until my brother got to be 6'1, but that wasn't till after he'd left home - and we'd fetch the boxes of decorations down and we'd spend the evening decorating it. My mum would often have bought a few new decorations, but there were old ones, some of which went back for years - a shiny chain that always went all round the tree from top to bottom was older than I can remember. We had candles, too, which no one has these days, and the holders would be clipped to the tree. That was the only thing my mum would intervene on, if a candle had been clipped somewhere where the flame could light a branch.

And after that, for days - in fact, for just over a fortnight - the tree would fill the room with pine-smell, and the presents would appear under it, the last of them (the ones from my parents) wrapped late at night on Christmas Eve after we were all in bed. I liked to wrap mine and put them under the tree as soon as possible after the tree was up, because I loved it when people would check out their pile of gifts and wonder what each one was. By the time I was 13 or 14 I liked to buy good paper and colour-theme my wrapping, make my presents look attractive with dark green or blue paper and gold or silver tags and tape.

My mum would take the ornaments off the tree and put them away on 6th January. We'd often be back at school by then.

But then I left home - and so did my brother and sister, of course. I've lived with a cat now since 1990, and rarely anywhere where I would have room for a Christmas tree or any point to it - it was always part of having a tree to have a shiny pile of gifts under it, and to decorate it as a team.

You make me think that in my new home I'll have room for a Christmas tree (which has occurred to me before) and you have given me a wonderful idea of having a tree-decorating party. Which I could celebrate with small gifts under the tree for everyone who came along. Like you, I love giving presents - I do wish it was acceptable to just say "I saw this and I thought it was perfect for you" and not impose an obligation to return the gift that year or indeed any year - just if ever you see something you know someone will love.

So maybe next year, on the 23rd, I'll have a tree-decorating party. Wish you could come...

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

Once again, Yonmei, send me your snailmail address. I'll send you a card next year, too. And I will be there for your party, in spirit.

Merry Christmas,
Edie

[j-shelbourne.livejournal.com]

I'm kinda grinchy because I want the spirit to be...well...genuine, right? I don't care about the denomination or the religious flavour, but it seems to me that there ought to be a day a year that's about giving. We spend time taking the other 364, so why not give for one?

And I like having not much time beforehand. I like it to be done in a whirlwind in the last week until--but with small kids, that's not possible any more.

So I've become more organized. I've become more methodical. It hasn't sucked the joy out (no more than small children suck the joy out of anything--and they certainly give back more than they remove), but it has change the taste of Christmas for me.

That's okay. It still tastes okay. And most of the taste is in my head, anyway, so it's not a problem.

Merry Christmas, pagan Edie, whether you believe or not. You don't have to believe in the Christ thing to want a day when it's the giving and the willingness to make others happy. And merry Christmas to all others from this particular agnostic, who doesn't know the truth but will gladly be happy with you.

[texas-tiger.livejournal.com]

Merry Christmas and Happy Yule. Happy Kwanzaa, Hannukha, and Holidays, too, for that matter.

What does it matter what it's called? It's a beautiful celebration of the good in human beings.

*hugs*

[scascot.livejournal.com]

After slogging through the endless commercial dance called "The Christmas Shopping Season", and living the madness from behind the counter, I'm here to tell you that I can't fucking wait for Christmas to be over.

I hate Christmas for what it has become - the overblown commercialism, the faux religious overtones, and the general obscenity of people wishing me a "Merry Christmas" when I'm so tired I can barely stand, and hurt so much it's all I can do to keep from crying.

I have lost the majesty, awe, and splendor of Christmas. And it grieves me to the core. Gone are those wondrous days of my youth, when it seemed that the time off from school for Christmas break lasted for a month. There was magic in the air, real magic, and it is forever gone. I don't know where it has gone, but I long for its return.

But, in a different sense, I love Christmas for what it is - the chance to spend time with loved ones, the traditions such as the real tree in our house (ah, the smell of pine!), and the giving of gifts. Not the commercial, "here, I spent 20 bucks on you, Merry Xmas" kind of gifts. The gifts that mean the most, because they are from the heart.

Taking hatchets to elves? Buggering reindeer? Roasting Santa? Never me! I would reserve those tortures for those who have made a mockery of the season, who have deemed it necessary to turn the entire period of time between Thanksgiving through Christmas into a madhouse of BUY BUY BUY! SPEND SPEND SPEND! Stores opening earlier and earlier, just to be the first. Pretty soon, the "Day After Thanksgiving" sales will start at 10 pm on Thanksgiving Day...

I share your pain, if for different reasons...

[fallonmay.livejournal.com]

I like giving gifts. Emotional blackmail isn't something I am capable of with friends. It hurt when I saw an artist's easel set yesterday, and thought of someone who would appreciate it. But I was afraid that she would feel obligated to return the gift. And I know that no matter how much I protested that no return gift was expected, she would still feel that obligation. And so I left without it.

Three words for you lovely. Anonymous gift giving.

Mail it with no return address and watch the unadulterated surprise and joy.

Good times had by all.

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

You know, that's a darn good idea. I will have to rmember it for the future. another thing crossed my mind, too: Buy it, and present it after the new year.

Edie