Tiny bit of doggerel

[ambitious_wench]

Conspire with me to breathe a while in time
With stately seasons as they dance away
Fair Spring her hair entwined with fragrant flowers
Warm Summer's arms embrace the fertile hours
Cool Autumn's blaze that sadly cannot stay
And Winter's visage veiled in hoary rime.
©E. Howe Dec. 11, 2003


The above is my first serious attempt at Iambic pentameter. Tell me what you think. Be honest, be direct, but don't be snide. This is my journal, and I will remove those posts which I feel are more brutal than they need to be.

Keep this in mind: This isn't any particular kind poem that I know of. I simply tried to deal with meter, and found the subject matter had a natural progression of rhyme. It's not a sonnet, it's too short. Right now I'm simply working on meter, rhythm.

Comments

[lilithraevyn.livejournal.com]

I will first admit that I have never ever ever ever ever studied Iambic Pentameter. I remember it was a question on a test once in high school. That's the extent of it. (Sad for someone who absolutely LOVES Shakespeare, isnt it?).

Line 2 seems a little "off" when I try to read it out loud.
With-state ly-seas ons-as they-dance a-way

Which only doesnt seem to work because you break up "seasons" which should find a way to be paired with itself since the "stress" naturally falls on "Sea(s)" in the whole of the word. ...if that makes sense?

Lines 3 and 4 don't have matched syllables. There are 11 in each line. But I suppose that depends on how you pronounce certain words. :) Hours and Flowers have 2 syllables when I say them.

The rest goes well. The last line *could* be improved, I think, but it works as is. :)

I like the theme, very much.

Those are my observations, as they are. I went and studied up on Iambic Pentameter here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iambic_pentameter
before going over it.

[aunt-ambitious.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Lillith! I appreciate your comments. You spoke my concern exactly regarding the second line: The reason it's a little off is because when spoken, "Seasons" is a trochee, not an iam. But technically, it's correct in this sentance because it does follow the second syllable stress in each set, or foot. But yeah, it does seem a bit weird when read out loud, if you aren't familiar with it.

I read that Shakespeare used iambic pentameter for his noble characters in his plays, and that an extra sylable at the end of a line was common, and considered feminine in nature;

From http://newmedia.colorado.edu/Content/vc/shakes1/iambic.html

Sometimes William couldn't fit the words he wanted into ten syllables so he lets an unstressed syllable hang at the end of the line.  This is called a feminine ending.  Other times he takes what would normally be a three syllable word and condenses it into two.  Ex. Ro | me | o sometimes gets changed to Ro | meo.  The last syllable sounds like it has a "y" in it.

As long as it was an unstressed sylable when spoken, it was still considered a pentameter. Also, in some parts of the US, flower and hour are spoken as one sylable each. I think Tennessee is one.

Oddly, my favortie line is the last one--it has such interesting connotations for me. It's perfectly legitimate as far as the meanings of hoary and rime--hoary meaning white, and rime meaning frost--but the associations with whore-y and rhyme are not to be discounted.

Ooh, I keep forgeting about wikipedia--thanks for pointing it out to me again!

Edie

[lilithraevyn.livejournal.com]

I learn something new every day!

Imagine what I could write if I actually knew conventional methods, eh? *oi!*

Trochee. I have to learn about that.

And, in that case (the feminine ending) I would say - flowers works, but I seem to stress the last syllable of hour when I say it. Again, that could be a matter of different pronunciations. Toying with my tongue, I can accept it easily as an unstressed second syllable, however.

:)

[aphoenixrain.livejournal.com]

For a first attempt in iambic pent, it's a very good one. I've played with a million forms, but never was able to get iambic down myself. I especially love the first line.

[panacea1.livejournal.com]

I live in iambic pentameter.

Two thumbs up.

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

I'm deeply honored, Thena.
Edie

[panacea1.livejournal.com]

Te saluto.

Hey, if you did another eight lines and stuck 'em together you'd have a sonnet.

I forget which sonnet form is eight-and-six (as opposed to four-four-four-and-two) but if it's fourteen lines of iambic pentameter, and it rhymes somehow, it's legit.

Go you!

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

I believe (if I am remembering the wikipedia entry on Sonnets I read earlier) that the 8/6 version is the older Italian, and the 4/4/4/2 version is the later English.

Traditionally, the final quatrain in the English version is radically differrent thematically from the first two.

And yes, I'm working my way toward that end.

Edie

[kideternal.livejournal.com]

i dance to the beat of a different drum:

Conspire with me to breathe a while
As stately seasons dance away
Fair Spring her fragrant hair entwined
Warm Summer's fertile hours embraced
Cool Autumn's blaze that will not stay
And Winter's visage veiled in rime

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

Ooh, Kid, that is HOT!

*Sizzle*

We will do extraordinary things here, indeed!

Great job!
Edie

[texas-tiger.livejournal.com]

I like it, even the departure in Line 2. Iambs are hard to work with, especially when you add rhyme.

Nice. Very nice. I like the image, too.

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

I have a newfound appreciation for rhymed and metered poetry.

Thanks for the feedback!

Edie

Absolute Kudos

[mehinda.livejournal.com]

This is an amazing first go. I really think you get it right; the rhyme is unforced and works with the rhythm, and with the possible exception of the second line, your poems scans excellently. Truth be told, I didn't even have a problem with the second line on first reading since I knew to scan it in iambs, however I do see what other commenters meant about it.

Re: Absolute Kudos

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Jennifer! I appreciate your kind words.

Edie