If you don't like it, you can't have any.
Dec. 6th, 2003 02:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ambitious_wenchNOTE: The following is going to offend most everybody in some way or another, and some of them multiple times. In light of that, I'd like to offer a blanket apology in advance, to everyone, everywhere, and ask you to not make the following split pea soup in order to show solidarity with the offended. Thank you for your time, and I'm sorry you all can't come and enjoy some with me. But I'm not sorry I made the soup. It's good.
First, go to the store and buy the following items (if you don't already have them)[1][2][3]:
2 Onions[4]
olive oil[8]
1 pound[5] of split green peas[6.i]
smoked ham hock[7] or some liquid smoke or lapsang souchong tea [8]
1 med. carrot[9]
bay leaves[10]
salt[11]
fresh ground black pepper[12][13]
fresh or frozen garlic, three cloves worth[14.i]
4-5 small white potatoes[8]
Ground Nutmeg[14.ii]
Dry Sherry wine[24][25]
Clean[15] a large pot[16] of at least a 4 qt[5] capacity. Open the bag of peas and put them in the pot. Add approximately 2.5 qts[5] of water[17]. Place on the stove and bring to a boil[18]. Reduce heat to a simmer[8].
Chop the onions finely[19], and then saute them in olive oil, until caramelized. Add them to the peas. Grate the carrots finely, mince the garlic (if it's not frozen), and add them to the pot. Dice the potatoes into very small pieces, no larger than 3/4", but don't bother peeling them. The skins add flavor. Add them to the pot as well. [20] Add the ham hock, or liquid smoke, or a cup of Lapsang Souchong tea (for instructions see "Tea-Time for the Politically Incorrect" by E. Howe, at your local corporate-evil bookstore)[21].
Add sherry wine, salt, pepper and nutmeg to taste. Let simmer for several hours, remove ham hock, bay leaves, and puree the soup for a smooth texture. Put the soup back in the pot and continue simmering, with the ham hock, until it thickens, stirring occasionally to keep the solids from sticking to the bottom of the pot and burning.
When the ham hock is tender, remove the fat and cut the meat from the bone. Add the meat back to the pot.
Serve hot. Store unused portions in the refrigerator. Makes lots[22] of one-cup servings[23].
[1] this is offensive to those that don't have the money to buy them or access to a store that sells them.
[2] this is offensive to those who have well stocked kitchens and already have them
[3] this is offensive to those who have the money to pay someone to make soup for them, and to do all their shopping
[4] this is offensive to those who find the smell of onions offensive.
[5] this is offensive to those who think we should be using the metric system
[6] this is offensive to those who advocate for language purity--
[6.i] because it is not acceptable to use incorrect spellings of words even if we have been spelling it this way for several hundreds of years. It's 'pease', dammit! [a]
[a]According to the Nov 24, 2003 A.Word.A.Day newsletter
[6.ii] because 'salary' means a ration of salt given to Roman soldiers, and has nothing to do with modern economics, money, and wages!
[7] this is offensive to Vegitarians, Seventh-Day Adventists, Jews who keep a Kosher diet, Muslims and pigs.
[8] this is offensive to...gimme a minute, I'm sure somebody is offended, somewhere...
[9] this would have been offensive to Mel Blanc, but he's dead, so it will have to offend all the other people in the world who hate carrots, just like Mel did.
[10] this is offensive to radical feminist Dianic witches because the laurel tree (the source of bay leaves) is sacred to Diana.
[11] this is offensive to the Salt Miners Union, who battle for better salary[6.ii] and working conditions. Support the Salt boycott!
[12] this is offensive to those that don't have pepper mills
[13] this is offensive to those who don't like black pepper because it makes them sneeze
[14] this is offensive to haute cuisine chefs
[14.i] because no one ever uses anything other than fresh garlic if they are serious about cooking
[14.ii] because they didn't think of it, and it works!
[15] this is offensive to those who keep a clean kitchen already, and don't need to clean the pot to cook in it
[16] this is offensive to those that don't have a pot to piss in, much less cook in.
[17] this is offensive to those that don't have a reliable supply of potable water
[18] this is offensive to those that don't have the means to boil water due to lack of funds for fuel, or appliances and the electricity to run them.
[19] oh come on, who hasn't cried while chopping onions?
[20] this is offensive to women who are trying to raise children, earn a living, run a household, make themselves attractive to their husbands, find personal and creative fulfilment and don't have the time to boil, chop, saute, caramelize, grate, mince, dice, peel, puree, simmer anything for a meal that their family is going to compare to that scene from The Exorcist where Linda Blair spews pea soup.
[21] this is offensive to those who oppose the crass commercialization of the sacred, creative and nurturing activity of food preparation and presentation.
[22] this is offensive to mathematicians who demand the use of precise mathematical terms in recipes.
[23] this is offensive to the billions of people who are starving the entire world over. How dare you not make enough for them, too?
[24] this is offensive to those who abstain from alcohol
[25] this is offensive to oppressed wine grape-harvesters.
First, go to the store and buy the following items (if you don't already have them)[1][2][3]:
2 Onions[4]
olive oil[8]
1 pound[5] of split green peas[6.i]
smoked ham hock[7] or some liquid smoke or lapsang souchong tea [8]
1 med. carrot[9]
bay leaves[10]
salt[11]
fresh ground black pepper[12][13]
fresh or frozen garlic, three cloves worth[14.i]
4-5 small white potatoes[8]
Ground Nutmeg[14.ii]
Dry Sherry wine[24][25]
Clean[15] a large pot[16] of at least a 4 qt[5] capacity. Open the bag of peas and put them in the pot. Add approximately 2.5 qts[5] of water[17]. Place on the stove and bring to a boil[18]. Reduce heat to a simmer[8].
Chop the onions finely[19], and then saute them in olive oil, until caramelized. Add them to the peas. Grate the carrots finely, mince the garlic (if it's not frozen), and add them to the pot. Dice the potatoes into very small pieces, no larger than 3/4", but don't bother peeling them. The skins add flavor. Add them to the pot as well. [20] Add the ham hock, or liquid smoke, or a cup of Lapsang Souchong tea (for instructions see "Tea-Time for the Politically Incorrect" by E. Howe, at your local corporate-evil bookstore)[21].
Add sherry wine, salt, pepper and nutmeg to taste. Let simmer for several hours, remove ham hock, bay leaves, and puree the soup for a smooth texture. Put the soup back in the pot and continue simmering, with the ham hock, until it thickens, stirring occasionally to keep the solids from sticking to the bottom of the pot and burning.
When the ham hock is tender, remove the fat and cut the meat from the bone. Add the meat back to the pot.
Serve hot. Store unused portions in the refrigerator. Makes lots[22] of one-cup servings[23].
[1] this is offensive to those that don't have the money to buy them or access to a store that sells them.
[2] this is offensive to those who have well stocked kitchens and already have them
[3] this is offensive to those who have the money to pay someone to make soup for them, and to do all their shopping
[4] this is offensive to those who find the smell of onions offensive.
[5] this is offensive to those who think we should be using the metric system
[6] this is offensive to those who advocate for language purity--
[6.i] because it is not acceptable to use incorrect spellings of words even if we have been spelling it this way for several hundreds of years. It's 'pease', dammit! [a]
[a]According to the Nov 24, 2003 A.Word.A.Day newsletter
[6.ii] because 'salary' means a ration of salt given to Roman soldiers, and has nothing to do with modern economics, money, and wages!
[7] this is offensive to Vegitarians, Seventh-Day Adventists, Jews who keep a Kosher diet, Muslims and pigs.
[8] this is offensive to...gimme a minute, I'm sure somebody is offended, somewhere...
[9] this would have been offensive to Mel Blanc, but he's dead, so it will have to offend all the other people in the world who hate carrots, just like Mel did.
[10] this is offensive to radical feminist Dianic witches because the laurel tree (the source of bay leaves) is sacred to Diana.
[11] this is offensive to the Salt Miners Union, who battle for better salary[6.ii] and working conditions. Support the Salt boycott!
[12] this is offensive to those that don't have pepper mills
[13] this is offensive to those who don't like black pepper because it makes them sneeze
[14] this is offensive to haute cuisine chefs
[14.i] because no one ever uses anything other than fresh garlic if they are serious about cooking
[14.ii] because they didn't think of it, and it works!
[15] this is offensive to those who keep a clean kitchen already, and don't need to clean the pot to cook in it
[16] this is offensive to those that don't have a pot to piss in, much less cook in.
[17] this is offensive to those that don't have a reliable supply of potable water
[18] this is offensive to those that don't have the means to boil water due to lack of funds for fuel, or appliances and the electricity to run them.
[19] oh come on, who hasn't cried while chopping onions?
[20] this is offensive to women who are trying to raise children, earn a living, run a household, make themselves attractive to their husbands, find personal and creative fulfilment and don't have the time to boil, chop, saute, caramelize, grate, mince, dice, peel, puree, simmer anything for a meal that their family is going to compare to that scene from The Exorcist where Linda Blair spews pea soup.
[21] this is offensive to those who oppose the crass commercialization of the sacred, creative and nurturing activity of food preparation and presentation.
[22] this is offensive to mathematicians who demand the use of precise mathematical terms in recipes.
[23] this is offensive to the billions of people who are starving the entire world over. How dare you not make enough for them, too?
[24] this is offensive to those who abstain from alcohol
[25] this is offensive to oppressed wine grape-harvesters.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-12-06 12:02 pm (UTC)I'm offended. That's sizist and racist.
P.S. Want my Wombat recipe for pease pottage (http://www.livejournal.com/community/food_porn/181551.html)? It's goooood.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-06 12:15 pm (UTC)Ooh, Yonmei, thanks! I got so involved in looking for the obscure offended that I missed the obvious.
Yum, that looks good. I may have to try that some day. Thank you!
Edie
no subject
Date: 2003-12-06 01:46 pm (UTC)You potato-pusher you.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-06 02:05 pm (UTC)Edie
"That's Ms. Juicy Contentious Bitch to you!"
no subject
Date: 2003-12-06 12:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-20 04:51 pm (UTC)i added you btw, i like your writing.